Tying with Ties
This “handout” accompanies our class and is not intended as stand-alone content
Terminology
In this class and handout, we use “PIR” (person in rope) for the person being restrained and “tier” for the person doing the restraining. Yes, we know we aren’t using rope!
This doesn’t imply a power exchange dynamic – your bondage top/tier could be your submissive; you can be a Dom and restrained, etc. Often bondage may not involve a power dynamic at all…or you might be self-tying and taking on both roles simultaneously!
Bondage safety
There are risks to everything we do – you could get hit by a car walking across the street to go on your kinky date. Risk awareness and mitigation matter because some restraints are like strolling across the crosswalk on a sunny day after looking both ways. Some are like running across a busy highway on a rainy night wearing all black. Knowing the risks and taking reasonable steps to mitigate them is crucial.
Never leave someone alone in restraints! You may want to create the illusion that they are alone, but someone should monitor them directly at all times. If you are self-tying, have a spotter who can intervene promptly.
Don’t get tied up (or tie someone up!) when under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
Consider what would happen if the PIR fainted, fell, or vomited. If the answer is “they would probably die” – do something different! We want to be more than one fuck-up away from disaster.
Fainting can happen during restraint, especially when standing, knees are locked, or positions change abruptly. Think about what the body will do if muscle tone suddenly disappears.
Risks: reduced circulation
Signs of decreased circulation include changes in temperature or color, swelling, and altered sensation. These changes can develop gradually or quickly. Reducing circulation does not tend to increase sexy bondage fun times (and can complicate the detection of nerve damage), so it’s better to avoid it. Remove or loosen restraints promptly if you notice concerning changes.
Risks: nerve damage
Nerve damage is a major concern for bondage, and it is not the same thing as reduced circulation. Danger signs include sharp/shooting pain, weakness, tingling, numbness, electrical sensations, or unusual heat or cold sensations. These can occur quickly, sometimes instantly, and require immediate action to prevent or minimize long-term damage.
Nerve injury can occur without obvious warning symptoms, even with an experienced tier who does “everything right.” As a general rule, greater force and longer duration increase risk. Compression, stretching, and awkward positioning all matter.
Avoid placing restraints across the neck or directly in vulnerable joint spaces (elbows, knees, groin). Necks are the forbidden column!
Bent-arm / T-rex / chicken-wing: avoid pressure near the inner elbow and prolonged deep flexion. Numbness or tingling in the ring and pinky fingers may indicate ulnar nerve irritation. Don’t force the bend.
Bent-leg: avoid pressure near the outside of the knee/fibular head. Watch for altered sensation over the top of the foot or difficulty lifting the foot.
Crab ties and other folded positions: consider hip and joint mobility. Move into and out of positions slowly.
The tier often cannot see a nerve problem developing. COMMUNICATE and check in often. Release promptly for warning symptoms; seek medical evaluation for persistent symptoms or weakness.
Safety supplies: paramedic shears
Having safety shears within reach is especially important when working with unconventional materials. These have a blunt side used under the restraints (against the skin) that helps prevent cutting/poking, but they can still cause injury. Try yours on the ties you plan to use! They may struggle to cut through many materials, especially low-quality ones.
SPACE: safer cutting technique
S – Separate material from skin: lift first, make space.
P – Perpendicular to the body, not angled or flat against it.
A – Avoid high-risk areas; favor dorsal surfaces rather than ventral when feasible.
C – Controlled, short snips.
E – Evaluate as you go: clearance, blade position, and what will happen when the restraint releases.
Practice with actual shears, using loose disposable material, without racing. Sometimes untying or supporting the person before cutting is safer; cutting a restraint can also cause an unsupported limb or body to fall.
Negotiation for restraint
Negotiation is about finding limits, turn-ons, and sweet spots! Both PIR & tiers should ask questions as part of this process.
Ask about/consider underlying medical conditions that affect bondage (joint injuries, seizures, asthma, diabetes, prior nerve injury/damage, etc.), relevant medications, and mobility limitations. Asking “Do you have any medical problems?” may mainly result in a knee-jerk “no.” Better: ask what physical limitations or accommodations matter for the scene.
Discuss the possibility of marks, where touching is and isn’t welcome, the intended level of restraint and struggling, and what kind of scene each person wants.
If self-tying, discuss the level of interaction you want with your spotter and the warning signs to watch for.
Safewords and check-ins
Safewords aren't just for safety; they can also enhance your play. It is critical to know whether your partner will use a safeword if needed and to empower them to use theirs. “Mercy” works well, or the traditional “yellow,” “red,” and “safeword” — clarify the exact meanings, as they vary from person to person.
People often find it easier to use a non-verbal safeword. A non-verbal check-in that can work well is for the tier to put their fingers in the PIR’s hand and the PIR to squeeze the tier’s hand as a “green.” This may reveal an obvious grip change, but a normal squeeze does NOT rule out nerve injury. Agree on a clear stop signal, too.
We don’t recommend gags for new players or players who are new to each other. Don’t gag – communicate!
Creating bondage with neckties
Advantages of “found item” bondage vs. rope: less intimidating, keeping it on a budget, and creative fun! Ideal materials are flexible, soft, and pliable. More skin contact generally spreads the load over a larger area, but only if the material stays flat. A broad tie can bunch, roll, or narrow into a pressure band.
Materials that are too stretchy have more potential for trouble; when they are tight enough that the PIR can’t easily stretch them and get out, they may compress the limb substantially. Hard edges/pieces can create focused pressure on a single spot.
Necktie anatomy and fabric
Wide blade: more surface area, often thicker or stiffer; may form bulkier knots. Narrow tail: easier to thread and manipulate, but can concentrate pressure. The middle section can be a useful compromise.
Silk and polyester (including microfiber polyester) are common; wool, cotton, linen, rayon, and blends also occur. Satin is a weave, not a fiber.
The outer shell, internal lining/interfacing, thickness, texture, and weave all affect how a tie handles. Two “silk” ties may behave very differently.
Test how the material folds, slips, tightens, and releases after gentle loading. A knot that jams is not necessarily a good knot! Use ties you are willing to cut.
Single and double columns
What is a column? Think wrists, ankles, upper arms, thighs, abdomens, bed posts… Necks are NOT good choices as columns.
WRAP – CROSS – DROP – KNOT
If your material is longer, wrap around more than once before the “cross” step, or do multiple crosses and drops to keep the columns farther apart while staying secure. Learn the technique, then adapt it to the specific tie and body.
Watch for three failure modes: the knot slipping out, the cuff tightening down, and the knot jamming. If joining ties to extend length, check the joining knot carefully: every connection adds another failure point.
Treat neckties as light, collaborative restraint, not escape-proof gear or a way to overpower someone. Forceful struggling can shift loads and roll fabric into narrow bands.
Setting and maintaining a mood: execution in context
Unless you want to ruin (or at least change) the mood… use the bathroom before you start and keep your toys nearby.
Consider what type of bondage scene you want to create together – a romantic scene that focuses on the sensations of restraint against the skin is quite different from playful catch-and-release tickle bondage! If you enter the scene expecting a sexy vibe and your partner wants to practice a new restraint position, you set yourself up for disappointment.
Consider the individual “why” of bondage. Are you a sadist who gets off on having a “helpless” victim? A more cerebral type who likes to work out new and different restrictive ties platonically? A submissive who wants to feel like a bondage trophy? None of this is mutually exclusive and can vary from scene to scene; think about your motivations and communicate them to your partner!
As a PIR – unless escaping is part of the scene, consider struggling with your “lizard brain,” not your super-rational “I know I can figure out a way to get out of this” brain. Cultivate an attitude of assumed helplessness, while retaining the ability and permission to communicate and stop.
Consider whether the bondage is a means to an end (“I want to be unable to stop you when you do all these horrible things to me!”) vs. an end in itself (“I want to be bound and left to float”). Go slow, check in often, and pay attention to emotional reactions.
Positioning for bondage
Always consider what would happen if the PIR fell or fainted – what would they hit? Where would the restraints (and their limbs) end up if they sagged in the bondage? If the answer is “well, they would probably be seriously injured or die,” adjust your restraints.
Hogties can be dangerous – there is a risk of breathing restriction and also potential damage to wrists, ankles, and joints. Avoid positions that impair breathing or make release difficult.
There’s a risk of fainting or falling when the PIR is released from a standing position (or after lying down for an extended time). It can help for tiers to talk the PIR through untying (“it’s not attached anymore, don’t put weight on it”) and support them as they’re released.
Tying the limbs so they have no movement at all is very difficult. Leaving some “wiggle room” will result in safer and more sustainable bondage. Check furniture stability and anchor points, and make sure nothing can tip or break.
Private bondage
The inherent risks of bondage can be more significant in private vs. in a public dungeon or play space, with safety monitors and others available to help if something goes wrong. Consider the tier’s health, especially if the PIR will be tied “inescapably,” and especially if the location is isolated. Consider not getting tied up in private on a first date, and negotiate carefully.
Aftercare
After you release restraints, move bound extremities slowly. Well-meaning tiers often try to move a part of the PIR’s body for them; this can cause injury and generally is not advisable.
Negotiate for specific aftercare needs before starting a scene. Sometimes aftercare needs vary or are unpredictable. Aftercare is for everyone!
Common aftercare needs for tiers include validation (“you did great!” “I still love you”), reassurance that the PIR is physically and mentally OK, food and water, physical comforts like cuddling, or orgasms!
Common aftercare needs for PIR include getting physically warm (blankets, cuddles, and maybe stuffed animals are classic), having something to drink, comfort, reassurance, validation (“you looked sexy in that tie!”), or… orgasms! You’ll notice a lot of overlap there…and all of this can apply to self-tiers!
Remember, restraint marks are compressed tissue; aggressively rubbing or massaging sore marks is unlikely to help. Enjoy your marks!
