First Impressions: Playing at events
This is intended to accompany class and is not stand-alone material.
Meeting people
All the etiquette rules you learned your whole life still apply, but there are even a few more social "rules" in kink/sexy spaces, especially relating to casual touch.
Focus on making friends! Talk to someone you meet as a person first.
Avoid making assumptions (pronouns, roles, availability, interest, etc.)
Read the rules of the space you are in (or ask if no written rules are available). This shows respect for the host and all the attendees, and will often clue you in on etiquette norms.
Ask questions!
Talking about ourselves activates the same pleasure centers of the brain that are associated with things like food and money.
It is far more important to be interested than interesting.
Happiness research shows that people are bad at predicting what will make them happy (the term for this is “affective forecasting”). Be open to going outside your scripts and types!
Tips and tricks to overcome nervousness and make it easier to make connections:
Don’t just fake it till you make it – fake it till you become it! Research shows that acting outgoing and talkative makes people – even introverts – feel happier.
“You don’t need to feel good to get going. You need to get going to give yourself a chance to feel good.” –@BStulberg
Related concept: behavioral activation
Goal setting (“I’ll talk to 5 new people”)
Volunteer: studies show that you get more happiness from helping someone else than from being helped. Plus, you’ll meet people, and for introverted types, having a “job” can help a ton!
“Triadic closure” – focus on making friends, and those connections will help you make even more connections.
Try the book “How to Be Yourself” for lots of excellent thoughts on overcoming social anxiety.
Consider the "liking gap" – the gap between how much we think another person likes us and how much they actually like us. Studies have found that people consistently underestimate how much another person enjoyed their company. This can be helpful to keep in mind!
Smile! People like those who seem to like them, and studies show that how much you smile during a conversation directly influences how friendly you seem.
Flirty body language
Eye contact, orienting your body towards the person
Dealing with rejection
No means no. Being ignored also means no.
Often, rejection is not about you…
…but sometimes, rejection is about you. If you keep getting rejected, maybe as a friend for some feedback/tips?
Non-coercive communication
Asking “would you like to talk about playing” instead of “would you like to play”
“If you’re interested…”
Someone is interested in playing with you – now what?!?
Be specific, get contact information, and set a date/time!
Vague, non-specific plans are not actual plans
Negotiation (sometimes known as “Navigation”)
This doesn’t have to be boring! Use it as an opportunity to connect and explore…
Negotiation forms!
These are very useful as communication tools and starting points.
Example one-page negotiation form
Know yourself
What have you done?
What did you like, or what have you fantasized about?
What elements are the hottest for you?
What didn’t you like? Consider scenes or parts of scenes that didn’t work out – why?
What are your limits?
How long did you put up with something you didn’t like (if at all)? Why did you put up with it? Were you willing/able to safeword if needed (this applies to tops, as well)?
We believe that negotiation should happen as equals, not in a role, and should take place before (not during) the scene.
Health considerations – a negotiation form can be especially helpful to cover this comprehensively.
Negotiation includes education
Many people (especially those who exclusively bottom for a given type of play, and who are new) enter into scenes without knowing the risks of a given activity. You cannot give risk-aware consent if you are not risk-aware!
We believe that it is best practice not to assume that your scene partners (no matter how experienced) are educated about risks. Take responsibility to educate your partner, AND take responsibility for asking questions and being educated yourself.
There are two basic negotiation styles in the kink community (these are fluid):
Negotiation by Inclusion (Opt-in): Outline what is OK, and everything else is off limits.
Negotiation by Exclusion (Opt-out): Outline what is NOT OK, and everything else is in bounds.
Negotiation by Exclusion can have more potential for problems. This method is useful with experienced players who can monitor their status during scene and when playing with trusted/experienced partners.
Consent is always an ongoing process.
Consider using FetLife fetish lists as a starting point
Using toybags and unpacking to help guide your scene
Negotiating with reciprocal transparency vs. non-reciprocal transparency
Openly communicating your desires frees your partner to speak openly, too.
Being transparent and reciprocal fosters trust in your experiences and encourages equal communication.
Negotiation ending in not playing is a successful negotiation!
Resources:
Safewords
Safewords are a communication tool that can enhance your play.
Some folks enjoy consensual non-consent (CNC), where they can say “no, don't, stop” – but they don’t really want their partner to stop.
Unless specifically negotiated otherwise, “no” means “no” and “stop” means “stop!”
Especially with a newer partner, we don’t recommend going down the (generally risky) CNC rabbit hole.
In many public play spaces, safewords are part of the rules.
Different verbal safewords – yellow, red, “safeword”
Consider something that will work with the energy of the scene – “mercy” “uncle” etc.
Empower your partner to safeword if needed – both tops & bottoms!
Check in with a number system from 1 to 10
Consider a non-verbal safeword (hand signal, drop ball, hand squeezes).
A “green” signal to indicate “things are all good, you could go harder/more” can be extremely helpful. This can be as simple as saying “green,” wagging your ass, bratting, etc.
A fairly common problem is that folks freeze up or feel like a “deer in the headlights” in the moment, which can lead to situations where a safeword cannot be spoken/used. One possible method to work with this is setting up an “inaction safeword,” where if the person doesn’t do a certain thing, like use a title in their verbal reply or flash their hands when asked how they are, that is a sign to stop and check in.
An extremely important negotiation point is whether you can safeword if needed. This is not always known and may vary unpredictably from scene to scene.
Some players are totally empowered, can monitor themselves and communicate clearly in the middle of any scene, and have no issues using safewords.
Reasons a player doesn’t/won’t/fails to use safewords include:
Becoming non-verbal
Getting high on endorphins or emotionally so in the moment they forget limits/lose the ability to monitor their physical status
Being afraid their partner might react badly if they safeword.
If you know that you can be assertive and safeword to adjust scenes if needed, you may be able to jump into (public) play with minimal negotiations.
If you have a lot of difficulty using safewords for whatever reason, you will need to be much more careful about whom you choose to play with and negotiate extensively.
Consider play that very explicitly requests “green” signals.
Taking care of yourself
Consider the effect of factors like what/when you’ve eaten, how much sleep you’ve had, stress, a fight with a friend/family member, drug or alcohol use, etc.
Where your head is before the start of a scene will have a huge (albeit perhaps subtle and unrecognized) influence on your experience during the scene.
Consider having a ritual to clear your mind or focus your energy before a scene.
If you know you have triggers or mental health concerns, talk to your partner about them
Body language in scene
Of course this varies by individual, but there are some general guidelines.
Tension
This manifests as scrunched-up shoulders, holding breath, furrowed eyebrows…
Arousal
Signs include flushing, increased skin temperature, dilated pupils, faster breathing, increased blood flow to genitals, etc…
Note that genital response/arousal is not consent!
Moving toward or away
Sticking out their ass or tucking it in is an obvious example
Watching a new partner play with others (especially regular partners) can be very instructive.
Tips for play
Manage expectations
Research shows that our reaction to a given outcome is largely a function of our expectations. People have a strong bias for loss, meaning that they feel greater distress over losing something than they do joy in gaining that same thing.
For example, if you expect to have an amazing 2-hour marathon sex session and end up with a quickie blowjob, you’re going to be disappointed, whereas if you didn’t expect to have any sex, then a blowjob will be great!
Limit the scope of your scene
“When forced to work within a strict framework, the imagination is taxed to its utmost and will produce its richest ideas. Given total freedom, the work is likely to sprawl.” – T. S. Eliot
Safety and considerations for public vs. private play
Consider DM notification/discussion
For private play – safe calls, references
For the top:
Start and end strong! Do the things you both most enjoy and that you’re best at.
Consider scene structure:
Warm up, build, peak, and end?
Multiple peaks?
Plateau?
Consider having a plan as a framework for negotiation – a “sugar stick scene” ☺
Start slow! It is much better to leave your partner wanting more than to go too far.
Get direct feedback (request verbal feedback and non-verbal cues).
Keep in mind the primacy and recency effects – people selectively remember the beginning and especially the end of an experience more than the middle. Make a plan so you can end on a high note!
Dynamic bottoming
Your needs/wants/limits as a bottom are just as valid as the top’s needs/wants/limits.
Some bottoms really are “my only kink is fulfilling YOUR kinks” types (some tops are this way, too!), but that is not the “right” way to bottom, and lots of us are not that way.
Ask questions during negotiation!
Give ideas for scenes/scene elements.
Know yourself:
Limits (both physical and psychological)
Goal feelings
Where on your body you do/don’t like particular sensations
Carefully consider your ability/willingness to use safewords.
Responsiveness
Non-verbal cues such as wagging your ass, stomping your feet, breathing
Genuine but well-modulated vocalization – moans, whimpers, etc.
This may feel “faked” or exaggerated at first if you are not naturally demonstrative – give yourself time to adjust, and you’ll find what works for you and your partner(s). And of course, if being silent and still works for you both, great!
Offer direct guidance/feedback in a way that fits with the scene energy you’re building together.
Within a D/s dynamic (“If it would please you…”)
As a Smart Ass Masochist (SAM)
Using dirty talk and sexy language
Begging
Aftercare
Follow-up
